Sounds of Silence

Hello, Darkness, my old friend
I've come to talk to you again
About a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
- Simon and Garfunkel

I love the night. I always have. It brings a sense of calm that is found nowhere else - and smells that are not present during the day. It has a life of its own. There are times I open my windows, close my eyes, and just breathe in the night. And its transforms me. I think that is why I don't like this shift of going to bed earlier and getting up earlier. I get the same amount of sleep, and there are beautiful things about the morning and the sunrise, but they do not restore me like the night does.

When my girls were little, we had a book called, "Walk When the Moon is Full." It was about a mom that took her children out for a night walk every full moon for a year. She wrote about the things they saw on those walks and it was a simpl,e beautiful book. We did that. Went on our own midnight walks during the full moon for a year. We had that luxury, me being an at-home mom and homeschooling my daughters at the time.

When you're away from the city, and truly experiencing the night, it does not place demands on a person. It is a time to let go, relax, and experience a different state of being. And at those times, I am most likely to have my visions come to me. I don't know if we all have it and some are just more sensitive to it, or if only some people have it. I read a book once called, "The Intuitive Principal: A Guide to Leadership." It was about how good leaders pay attention to all the surrounding sensory information without even realizing it, and how to develop that part of leadership to benefit your students and staff.

When I can truly clear my mind, I am amazed at what "percolates" to the top, the visions or premonitions I have. There are times I know it goes beyond the sensory information I have available and I've learned to trust it. I know it comes from the Boe side of the family. My sister has it, my cousin has experienced it. We just guard it is all.

I knew I would marry Greg long before I started dating him. I knew to drive to my sister's house at 10pm with a newborn baby in tow because I had a premonition something was terribly wrong and only months later did she tell me she had planned to kill herself that night. I have had premonitions about my daughters that I still hold tightly. I have heard my mother's voice at unexpected times. These things do not make sense to the rational person. And yet they are.

That is why I need the night. To clear my head. So I can hear everything I am supposed to hear, and not all the noise and clatter of the daytime.

Better Than I Used to Be

I know how to hold a grudge
I can send a bridge up in smoke
- Tim McGraw

When I was growing up, and we were on the receiving end of something that made us angry, angry enough to give a sarcastic response, lash out, or be vengeful, my mother always had the same response: "Don't stoop to their level."

That's good advice, but difficult to live. My passions run deep whether it's excitement, anger, love, or irritation. And so when people irritate me or make me impatient, my knee-jerk response is to say something snarky. And at the same time I know that's how bridges get burnt.

My thick skin and straight-forwardness mean I have to make a conscious effort to filter what I say, to consider how it will be received by others. I think this is why I find my job so tiring. I love what I do, but when my office is an endless parade of upset parents, worried teachers, misbehaving students, and other people who want my time, I have to be on my game for 10 hours straight, constantly filtering what I say. Am I being politic? Compassionate? Looking at the issue from everyone's perspective? Framing my response diplomatically? Finding the balance between firmness and kindness? Leaving everyone's dignity intact? Leaving everyone's dignity intact is so important, however, that I've written it into the performance review for all of my staff. In all situations, whether they are working with students, parents, or colleagues, there is never reason to ridicule or demean another human being.

I watch my daughters and how they deal with others and wonder if they are just much more patient than I am, or if they have learned to respond better than I have. But I am impressed, over and over, with their ability to handle themselves with grace in difficult situations. With life experiences, they will continue to be challenged, and I am convinced they will continue to grow. That is the challenge of any adult, to continue to strive to be a better person.

I'm learning who you've been
Ain't who you've got to be

Highway 20 Ride

A day might come you'll realize
That if you see through my eyes
There was no other way to work it out
And a part of you might hate me
But son, please don’t mistake me
For a man that didn’t care at all
-Zac Brown Band

Today at work we had to call County Social Services. A family whose kids go to my school is going through a nasty divorce and at conferences, one of the boys said that his father had been beating him. We know the family though, and strongly suspect Mom put him up to it as a way to get back at Dad during the divorce proceedings. But we're mandatory reporters. We have to call social services and let them sort it out. Dad called us later, upset and wanting to know what was said. We don't go there. Social services gets to sort that out too.

In the school setting, I've watched enough families go through divorces to see the good, the bad, and the ugly. The good is where the parents realize it just wasn't meant to be for whatever reason, or it's time to move on. They make the decision to make the best of it and try to work together to cause the least disruption in their kids' lives. There may be a few bumps in the road while they're trying to get it figured out but for the most part, it's the best it can be given the circumstances.

The bad is where one parent is injured and isn't able to heal. And because of that, they child has to keep reliving it over and over. The other parent is then put in the position of trying to help a child who is stuck. Depending on the age of the child and the skills of the parent, the child be able to move past the injured parent - or maybe not. But if they can't, the school that sees all sorts of behaviors along the way....insecurities, absenteeism, acting out, poor grades, disorganization, anxiety.

When it gets ugly, we see things where one parent cannot move past their own pain and actively seeks to damage the other - with disregard for the impact it's having on the child. Or maybe with some sort of understanding of the damage it's doing, but feels the need to damage the other parent outweighs the well-being of their child. When the need to damage another adult overtakes the need to protect one's child, something is very wrong. A parent may try to stage the situation, implying that the other parent is at fault and they are only protecting their child from these actions. In almost every instance I've been witness to, the child knows what he is seeing does not fit with what he is being told and one of two things happen... If they are young, their minds are trying to come up with some rationale to explain the dichotomy and it causes them a great deal of angst. Or if they are old enough to see through it, it simply causes a great deal of anger.

I have actually had this family in my office and talked to them about all this. And that for the sake of their kids, they need to find some neutral ground because I've seen what happens when families don't. For a while, they were managing - at least where school was concerned. Dad especially. I see how he interacts with his boys, and it's clear he really does try to be a good dad but he's caught in an impossible situation. If it's getting so extreme that they can't maintain that neutral ground, it's not always a bad thing that social services gets involved. As upset as this dad is, social services might bring some normalcy to these boys' lives where he can't.

And my whole world
It begins and ends with you
On that Highway 20 ride

The video for this song is sweet. You watch Zac Brown driving down the road and you think he's going to see his son. But at the end of the video, it's an old man who opens the door. And you realize he's the boy in the song, all grown up, going to visit his dad. It's tender and loving. Despite all the difficulties kids go through, they know when their loved. And they know when adults genuinely care about them. And that's the best we can do. These two boys at school act out a lot. And it's no small wonder with everything they're going through. But they have a free pass to come to my office and talk to me whenever they want to. I want my office to be a safe place for them - because they don't have a safe place at home. Because I want them to know I care and will always take the time for them - because the adults at home have a hard time with that. And because I want them to excuse themselves when they feel close to the edge - rather than get sent down after they're in trouble. We need places for kids to feel safe and feel loved.