My Old Friend

My old friend, I recall
The times we had are hanging on my wall
I wouldn't trade them for gold
Cause they laugh and they cry me
And somehow sanctify me
And they're woven in the stories I have told
- Tim McGraw

My Baby Girl keeps a picture postcard on her wall of wide-eyed baby nursing at the breast who has turned to look at the photographer. It's a black and white close up - mostly of the baby, very little of the breast - and it's endearing because the baby has not stopped nursing but has turned to look. We call it the "MamaBaby" picture and it comes from La Leche League. I think my Baby Girl keeps it because she remembers nursing - she nursed until she was almost four years old. I love it because it reminds me of my time as a member and volunteer in La Leche League - more than ten years.

When my first daughter was born, I nursed her because it seemed like the natural thing to do. I didn't know anyone else who nursed, but it made sense to nurse, so I did. Six months seemed long enough, so then I weaned her, and went on to solid foods and a cup with her. All was good.

Then came my second daughter. She was colicky and every evening after dinner, her crying would escalate to the point of screaming that would last for hours. Both my pediatrician and a friend suggested I go to a La Leche League meeting so I could talk to other mothers who might be able to give me some advice on how to cope with the colicky behavior. I almost didn't go back. But I was desperate and so I decided to give them one more chance. That second meeting turned into years of meetings and eventually deciding to become a volunteer leader. Eventually I took on other leadership roles within the organization...accrediting other women who wanted to become leaders, then helping plan their annual conference, then as coordinator (president) for a three state area, and eventually serving four years on their international board of directors.

All told, I was with La Leche League for over 12 years. They're far more than just an organization that provides breastfeeding information. They truly do provide mother-to-mother support and information for parenting. No fancy gizmos, expensive purchases, fast-paced programs, competitive preschools, or trying to out-do each other. Just an accepting group of women who celebrate a simple kind of mothering. League has some simple tenets they ask leaders-to-be to reflect on during the accreditation process. There is one in particular that has deeply influenced me: From infancy on, children need loving guidance which reflects acceptance of their capabilities and sensitivity to their feelings. I have tried to remember this with my daughters, and with my students. And when I moved on to create my own school, I have incorporated it at a fundamental level in developing a culture of individualized learning for our students. But really, all of La Leche League has shaped me. As an educator, as a parent, as a person. And deep down, I do not feel I can ever repay what the women in that organization gave to me. They gave me the skills to help me help my daughters become the amazing women they are.

But as my daughters grew up and the years passed, I needed to devote more of my time to my work as an educator. My youngest was in middle school, and I was back in graduate school. I had retired from League, and with the exception of just a few people, my contact with League dwindled. Until last night.

My old friend, I apologize
For the years that have passed
Since the last time you and I
Dusted off those memories

I got together with nine other women from League, most of whom I haven't seen in 10 or 15 years. We reserved a private room at a restaurant and all had dinner together - and talked for four hours. Like we had just seen each other last week. We all remembered each others' kids' names and the many things each of them had been involved in. To a degree, there's probably a common personality that's attracted to LLL in the first place, but everyone's interests and pursuits were about as different as you get. I'm a school principal, someone else plays in a rock band, another is a published author, a nurse, a fiber arts specialist, a lactation consultant, a parent educator, and someone who is studying the ministry. Every woman I've met in LLL is unique and talented. And made her job as a mom a priority. Not something that came after yoga class. They celebrated each others' children. Not compared them.

My old friend this song's for you
Cause a few simple verses was the least that I could do
To tell the world that you were here
'Cause the love and the laughter will live on long after

My most wonderful memory of La Leche League was when I served on their international board of directors and was at one of their biannual conferences. The organization was going through growing pains, trying to figure out how to celebrate the fact that we were truly an international organization and not just a US organization...and the woman who organized the conferences didn't quite get it. A board member colleague, someone who grew up in the US but had married a German and been living in Europe for many years, gathered women from several countries who had young infants. A mother from Africa stepped up to the microphone. She wore her native dress and held a very young baby in her arms. No one understood the words she began to sing, but everyone recognized the love in her eyes and understood she was singing a lullaby to her baby. And when she was done, a mother from another country come up to the microphone and sang a lullaby in her native tongue. And another. And another. There was complete silence in a room of thousands as these mothers from around the world sang their lullabies as if there was no one else there except their own sweet baby. And it was one of the most moving experiences I've ever been witness to.

It's been over 60 years since La Leche League was formed, by seven women in Chicago, Illinois who wanted to offer breastfeeding information and support to women so they wouldn't encounter the same difficulties they had. It's grown into an organization in over 100 countries and has had tens of thousands of volunteers and hundreds of thousands of members. It's helped millions of babies. One mother and one baby at a time. When those women were singing in that room full of thousands of young mothers, not one baby was crying. Breastfeeding is about more than just infant nutrition, it's also about parenting. That's why I hope my daughters will breastfeed too.

The Music Is You

Music makes pictures and often tells stories
All of it magic and all of it true.
And all of the pictures and all of the stories
All of the magic, the music is you.

--John Denver

To My Daughters...

Thomas is a Welsh name, and the Welsh have a saying... "To be born Welsh is to be born privileged. Not with a silver spoon in your mouth, but with music in your heart and poetry in your soul."

My Baby Girl told me she was having a discussion with her boyfriend about whether magic existed or not. He claims that it doesn't; everything has a scientific explanation. Others will tell you it's God's hand. I raised my girls to believe in magic. Not the "wave a wand" type of magic you see in Harry Potter movies, but the joy and wonder of the unexplainable. Of the power and beauty and enormity of nature. Of the intensity of will power and love that can move mountains and overcome all obstacles. Of the healing power and inspiration of music. It is the last one he should understand. He is a musician.

These pages are full of the music that has shaped my life and continues to inspire me. Through that music, I am sharing the stories that are my history, and through that, your history. And in reading them, I hope you will also find some tidbits of magic. I love you more than I can ever, ever express. More than you will ever, ever know. These are my love letters to you.

All of the magic, the music, is you.

Love, Mama

Teach Your Children

You who are on the road
Must have a code that you can live by
And so become yourself
Because the past is just a good bye.

-- Crosby, Stills, and Nash

Become yourself... It is my birthday today. I took the day off work to relax and just do things I want to do. I spend most of my days "doing for others" so I think it's okay if I'm a little selfish for just one day. I'm going to do some genealogy, get a massage, go out to dinner with my girls, and write a little. I'm sitting in my chair watching my cat play with his toys, and taking joy in that simple thing. And reflecting...

When I was half this age, what would I care about taking pleasure from watching a cat? My husband tells me a cat story and I laugh. My daughters joke that my husband and I spend too much time talking to the cat. I don't think it's that we're becoming silly cat people who don't know what to do with ourselves now that our children are grown. I think it's that we're getting to a point in life where we're willing to hand over the reins to a younger generation. We're enjoying the successes of our children.

Teach your children well,
Their father's hell did slowly go by,
And feed them on your dreams
The one they picked, the one you'll know by.

We're happy to sit back and relax at the end of our day. To enjoy the little things that we didn't have time for when we were 25 and trying to juggle jobs and babies and mortgages and 50 friends and 500 life opportunities. We've experienced those opportunities and are glad we did and now we need to relax a little. And watching the birds and talking about the cat is a pleasant contrast.

Don't you ever ask them why, if they told you, you would cry,
So just look at them and sigh and know they love you.

Old? Nope. I hope not. There's still a lot I want to do. I'm just not in such a hurry to do it. And I'm realizing some of the to-do things are little things, that can be just as important to savor as the big monumental things.

And you, of tender years,
Can't know the fears that your elders grew by,
And so please help them with your youth,
They seek the truth before they can die.

Can you hear and do you care and
Can't you see we must be free
To teach your children what you believe in.
Make a world that we can live in.

Teach your parents well,
Their children's hell will slowly go by,
And feed them on your dreams
The one they picked, the one you'll know by.

I read once that wisdom is earned with tears. It is also learned with love and service and patience. I think I've got the first three down. I've been working on that last one all my life. I'm in a better place now to slow down and work on it, and actually enjoy what comes of it.

Don't you ever ask them why, if they told you, you would cry,
So just look at them and sigh and know they love you.

Just Fishin'

I’m lost in her there holdin’ that pink rod and reel
She’s doin’ almost everything but sittin’ still
Talkin’ ‘bout her ballet shoes and training wheels
And her kittens
And she thinks we’re just fishin’
-- Trace Adkins

I scrapbook. I gave each of my girls a scrapbook when they graduated from high school. And another one this past Christmas when I re-did their baby books into a scrapbook. And then finally after all these years I did our wedding pictures and gave that one to my husband. And then decided it was time to do one for me. So I sorted through all the pictures I had of my girls and started choosing ones for a baby book for me--of pictures of my "babies" over the past 25 years. Of pictures that I absolutely love, or ones that brought back special memories, or told a story. And feeling really sentimental as I sort through them all.

I say, “Daddy loves you, baby” one more time
She says, “I know. I think I got a bite.”
And all this laughin’, cryin, smilin’ dyin’ here inside’s
What I call, livin’

My girls have truly moved on with lives of their own. And I miss them so much in the day to day. My hours are long, and I love my job. But in my quieter moments, I want to talk to my girls and hear what they're up to. I want to cuddle with them, I want to do spur of the moment silly things with them. And they're busy leading lives of their own, and I'm wistful, wishing for those moments again, even for a little bit.

She’s already pretty, like her mama is
Gonna drive the boys all crazy
Give her daddy fits
And I better do this every chance I get
‘Cause time is tickin’
(Yeah it is)

I cried when I heard this song on the radio the first time. I love my girls so deeply. And I'm glad for all the time we spent with them, and for the time they do spend with us now. This scrapbook matters.

Folsum Prison Blues

And I ain't seen the sunshine,
Since, I don't know when,
I'm stuck in Folsom Prison,
And time keeps draggin' on
-- Johnny Cash

I was at a workshop today at which they quoted the research/statistic that in California they use third grade reading test scores to predict the number of prison beds they will need down the line. That absolutely horrified me. Almost to the point of tears. One of my first thoughts was to share this information with my Baby Girl. And her boyfriend. If there was ever a point where Law Enforcement (her profession) and Education (his and mine) crossed, this was it. And then I started to think about it some. How could I have been in this profession this long and never had heard this before? So I went online and started looking for more information on this...

Several websites and articles quoted later...I came to the conclusion that this is an urban myth, but that everyone agrees that the prison population as a whole has a much lower reading level, a much lower educational level, and a much higher drop out rate. Go figure.

So as I work on my superintendent's license, one of the areas in which I have to show competency is in the area of health and social service agencies in the community that work with schools. That's only part of it. It's forming those partnerships with these agencies to help kids when their parents can't or won't. It's overcoming poverty and what they call the "educational gap". It's competing with the media and all the other distractors that are more attractive than the hard work of learning. It's figuring out how to teach students who don't have the language skills, who have ADHD, Alcohol Fetal Syndrome, are Cocaine Babies, or have any other host of difficulties when we are not supposed to leave any child behind.

And why do we do it? Because I've seen amazing results when teachers care. When teachers provide one-on-one attention. When parent volunteers intervene to help a child who is not their own. Because we refuse to let a child slip through the cracks. Because we see small steps and we know if we keep at it, those small steps will turn into big things. The hard part is that we only get them for nine months at a time. We can only hope that someone will continue what we start, and that those big things will come to fruition and that drugs or poverty or dropping out or mental illness or any other myriad of problems won't get in the way.

When I was just a baby,
My Mama told me, "Son,
Always be a good boy,
Don't ever play with guns,"
But I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him die.

My teaching partner, every once in a while, used to look out over our class and ask, "Who do you think will be in prison 20 years from now?" We had a few pegged for prison, one boy in particular. Not because he couldn't read, but because he was so attracted to the thrill, the adrenaline rush, of getting in trouble. And he liked the attention that being the bad kid got him. And it became my goal to figure out how to get through to those kids. Figure out how to connect with them, and get personal with them. Because it's only when you do that, that you can figure out how to make a difference for them.