Small Town Jericho

Goodbye to memories that I saved
Goodbye to all the friends I made
Goodbye to all the home I'll ever know

I was looking up my husband's grandma on my genealogy database/website tonight. Still trying to find out more on where she came from. Who her parents were. Here's the little I know...

She was born in Finland, one of several children, probably the youngest. At some point, while she was still a young girl, her father went to America. He went to start a new life, save money, and send for his family. Only he never sent for them. It seems he abandoned his family--or so we are led to believe. Who knows? His wife died of consumption and the kids were farmed out to various people. One son went to a good family and was treated well. Grandma would never really tell me much about the family she stayed with other than to say it was "very bad."

When Grandma was about 18, she married a 54 year old man who was a friend of her father's. This man had immigrated to America but was back in Finland for a visit. He agreed to bring her to America as his wife and once there, grant her a divorce so she could go her own way.

And every road here looks the same
This ol' town won't ever change
And that's what I love the most
And it's the reason I must go

So her brought her to America, but once here, he didn't give her the divorce he promised. In doing my genealogy, I found out she applied for U.S. citizenship but then never pursued it. That was right about the time she must have found out she was pregnant. I suspect that's why she didn't pursue naturalization. It's one thing to be on your own, it's another to be a single parent in the 1920s. He also didn't let her out of the house much or let her learn English. Grandma said she pretty much taught herself English using a Finnish-English dictionary to decipher the captions under the pictures in the newspaper.

In my genealogy I also found an interesting string of events that happened in rather quick succession. About 9 years after her son was born, she finally filed for and was granted her divorce. She then married Grandpa, and she reapplied for citizenship. All in about 3 months time. Within the year, my father-in-law was born. I suspect she met Grandpa and had things pretty well lined up before she finally filed for divorce.

Grandma was a neat lady. I liked her a lot. My in-laws and husband lived with Grandma and Grandpa for a while when my husband was young, so he has fond memories of her. She was good to my girls. She passed some good holiday recipes on to me.

I look at my own girls, and I can't imagine any of them immigrating half way around the world at the age of 18 but I suppose if your parents are gone, and your circumstances aren't good, you're assuming it can only get better. And sometimes you do what you have to do. I just wish I could find out more about Grandma in my research. Sooner or later the links will show up. It would be really nice to be able to know more about her and her background.

Already Gone

My momma mapped out the road that she knows
Which hands you shake, and which hands you hold

My mother majored in Home Economics. And insisted that all of her daughters learn how to cook and sew so we wouldn't "waste" our college education learning those things. Beyond that, my parents didn't map out any life plan for us other than the expectation that we go to college. I hear so many parents make pronouncements about what their kids will or will not do. As if their kids have no life of their own. No free will. And then they wonder why they always seem to be at odds with their children...

In my hand-me-down Mercury, ready to roll
She knew that I had to go

Or a 20 year old Honda Civic. Or what the girls jokingly call "the ghetto van". But it isn't really about the car, it's about being ready to spread their wings to fly. Off to the West Coast. Off to the East Coast. Off to another town in the southern part of our state. What's important is...have I created a home they want to come back to? Frequently?

Make the mistakes that she made
Cause she knew all along...I was already gone

I try not to interfere to overly much. All moms interfere to some degree. We get to as part of being a mom. But I try to give my kids information and point out options, and then back off. People are going to make mistakes and it's not my job or anyone else's to save people from their own mistakes, not even my own children. Sometimes, people actually learn better if they're allowed to make a few mistakes. So if my kids are doing something I disagree with, once I've said my piece, I try to disengage myself and let them take it from there. They're all strong-willed enough to know what they want, and are going to do it anyway.

Life is a runaway train you can’t wait to jump on
-Sugarland

Stand Back Up

Go ahead and take your best shot,
Let 'er rip, give it all you've got,
I'm laid out on the floor, but I've been here before.
I may stumble, yeah I might fall.
I'm only human but aren't we all?
I might lose my way, but hear me when I say,

I will stand back up.
You'll know just the moment when I've have enough.
Sometimes I'm afraid, and I don't feel that tough,
But I'll...stand...back...up.

How many times have we felt beaten down, exhausted, at the end? Everyone has the things they fear, the times they feel lost, the situations when they feel everyone keeps coming at them and it's all they can do to keep their balance. Worst of all is when they question themselves...

I've been beaten up and bruised.
I've been kicked right off my shoes.
Been down on my knees more times than you'd believe.
But when the darkness tries to get me,
There's a light that just won't let me.
It might take my pride, and tears may fill my eyes,
But I'll...stand...back...up.

But no matter what, you keep your head down and keep trudging forward. No matter how tired you are. No matter how difficult it is. You try to shut out the negative and the naysayers. You blink back the tears. You ignore the pain. You quell your doubts...

I've weathered all these storms,
I just turn 'em into wind, so I can fly.
What don't kill you makes you stronger.
When I take my last breath,
That's when I'll....just...give...up.

You refuse to give up because you believe in what you're doing. Or because people you love depend on you. Or it's the right thing to do. You don't quit even though you have your difficult moments and it gets hard, so very very hard...

So, go ahead and take your best shot.
Let 'er rip, give it all you've got,
You might win this round but you cant keep me down.
'Cause I'll stand back up.
And you'll know just the moment when I've had enough.
Sometimes I'm afraid and I don't feel that tough.
But I'll...stand...back...up.

This song has such conviction. I find myself humming it when things get difficult. It helps me keep going. It reminds me that there are people in far worse circumstances. It gives me the will power to stand back up.

You'll know just the moment when I've had enough.
Sometimes I'm afraid and I don't feel that tough.
But I'll...stand...back...up.
-Sugarland

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PpLoD723kx8&NR=1

My Favorite Things

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with strings
These are a few of my favorite things

When I was little, we used to go down to my Grandma's house every time certain shows came on TV. Mostly because she was the only person in the family who had a color television at the time. A great big floor console. The grown ups had the chairs and sofa, and all the kids would sprawl on the floor. The two main shows we would all gather for were the annual airing of The Wizard of Oz and The Sound of Music. But I also remember the night we all went to Grandma Helen's and were allowed to stay up unbelievably late to watch the first ever moon landing. I was still of an age when anything was possible and my siblings and cousins and I didn't understand why it was such a big deal that someone was landing on the moon or why the adults kept shushing us every time we talked.

Of all the favorite things at my Grandma's house though, was Christmas time. She had a miniature tree she brought out every Christmas, and the "ornaments" on this tree were trinkets and charms (as in charm bracelets) she bought from her many travels around the world. She always looked for the tiniest, most intricate of charms, and every year we would try to guess which ones were the new ones that had been added. The tree stood all of about 12 or 14" tall and had tiny gifts and toys around its base. I have that tree now and I treasure it. I also have several antique ornaments from her large tree. The one that fascinates me the most is a two sided mirror about 1x4" that has a chimney on one side and Santa on the other. If you twist the string round and round, and then let it go, it will spin so fast that you will see Santa coming out of the chimney.

And of course my grandma baked. Her most famous recipe of all was her caramel recipe. Her caramels were rich and buttery and I've never tasted any others as good, either store bought or homemade. Other people's caramels are grainy or bland. These are phenomenal. I seem to be the only one in the family carrying on the tradition. Every year, when I eat that first one, if I close my eyes, I am amazed at how much of my grandmother's house I can remember, just from the taste of those caramels. Little details that I don't usually keep with me come back to me with unbelievable clarity. It's a sweet thing.

Tonight, even though it's not Christmas time yet, I made her caramels. I tried them as a candy with a chocolate topping and some other variations. They were exquisite! I need about six life times.... To pursue the work I love as an educator, to be a writer, to do the art work I enjoy and would like to learn, to pursue the cooking and baking I love to experiment with, to travel and explore, and who knows what else. Life is just too short for me, I think.

But come the holidays, I do bake. I have a long list of cookies and candies I make--every year. And I give most of them away. I just love to make them. Here's the list...

Russian Teacakes
Toffee Bars
Spritz Cookies
Sugar Cookies
Gingerbread Cookies
Fruitcake
Chocolate Drop Cookies
Peppermint Bark
Christmas Pretzels
Chocolate Pizza
Chocolate Krumkake
Fudge
Peanut Brittle
Rosettes
Wreaths
Caramels

And I love when my girls come home for the weekend when I do my holiday baking. Sometimes even their friends come over for the day and help. It's a good time. A family time. It's how it should be.

Suzanne

Suzanne takes you down to her place by the river
You can hear the boats that go by
You can spend the night forever...

Today was a rare October day for this part of the country. Temps in the 70s when it's more typical to have highs in the 40s or 50s. It was also an emotional day for me and I don't know why. Many, many days in a row of putting out fires and dealing with problems I shouldn't have to deal with because other people are screwing up -- badly -- and I'm the boss so I have to clean up messes. Or at least put pressure on them to clean up their own messes. And meet a whole bunch of deadlines that other people don't get the significance of. And deal with a bunch of parents who email me over every little thing. They want their kids in a rigorous school and they want their kids to have top-notch grades and test scores, but they want this to all somehow happen by osmosis. No homework, no effort, no accountability. And then there are family members and friends who have all sorts of drama. Some of it's real and some of it's self-inflicted. But oh-my-gosh, can I just have a break? For a little bit? I'm putting in 12 hour days at work and trying hard not to stress because I really do love my job, but it's demanding.

I kind of had a bit of a melt-down at work today. No one saw it except my admin assistant. She's been through some pretty serious personal stuff, more so than most people, and I watched her keep going with work despite things. This was unusual for the roles to be reversed today when she tried to give me some comfort. She sent me a long email about doing too much and making sure I was taking care of myself, and made sure to tell me she wasn't lecturing me. I know that. She's an extremely kind person and we are a safety net of sorts for each other. But I realized I've tanked out. And so have a few other people at work. It's too early in the school year for that.

So I decided I needed to do what is core to my being. What nourishes my soul more than time with my Baby Girl, more than a massage, more than being creative, more than writing, more than anything. I needed to spend time by the river. Time watching the water go by. Time drifting with the current and letting it take my spirit to another place. Letting it wash away everything that eats at me. More than anything, it is water that calms me. It is this river that brought me some of the best times of my life. That introduced me to my husband. It is where I want my ashes spread after I am gone so they will travel to the sea. It is the most important place in the world to me. And so after work, I drove there.

And the traffic was so bad I gave up. Par for the course for this week, I guess.

And Jesus was a sailor when he walked upon the water
And he spent a long time watching from a lonely wooden tower
And when he knew for certain only drowning men could see him
He said all men will be sailors then until the sea shall free them

There are days and weeks like this. There will be better ones. And the river will still be there.

And on a more positive note.... Several people have recorded various versions of this Leonard Cohen song. I have always loved it. It was the second song played at my wedding reception and the song I chose to dance with my father with.