Bridge Over Troubled Water

When you're weary
Feeling small
When tears are in your eyes
I will dry them all
I'm on your side
When times get rough
And friends just can't be found
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
- Simon & Garfunkel

I have always been driven. I don't know why. I just have. My husband once said he liked the fact that I was so goal-oriented. I think sometimes he's bothered by the fact that whatever project or cause or activity I'm pursuing has sometimes impacted our family, sometimes in no small way, but he has often expressed how proud he is of the goals I've pursued...me serving on the Board of Directors for La Leche League International, speaking and writing for them at the national level, pursuing my graduate degrees, and my administrative licenses. I've studied things and learned unusual things....like how to fly airplanes, and rock climb, and chemistry just for the heck of it. I've traveled cross country and around the world, saving my money for years to be able to do it, or hitch-hiking to get there, or biking hundreds of miles.

I guess part of it is a hunger. To learn, to see, to do. And that there will never be enough time to do it all. My husband has also commented that I'm happiest when I have a project to do. He's probably right. And so I push, and push, and push. I do these things -- or am able to do these things -- because I have tunnel vision and keep my nose to the grindstone at all costs until I achieve it, even to the exclusion of everything else. Sometimes that serves me well. It's what allows me to get things done.

But sometimes it comes at a cost. I don't have the social friendships that a lot of people do because the time I invest in the things I want to accomplish doesn't leave me much time for the social life other people seem to have. What little down time I have, I need to take for myself, and my family. And I go through periods where I just crash. I simply burn out. I have been so unbelievably burnt out lately. And I've become a lot more aware of the periods when I burn out because I don't have the coping mechanism I used to have. I would go for weeks, sometimes 2-3 months without seeing my family, and then I would feel myself just starting to crash. And I knew I had to take a day off and go spend it with my mom. Not doing anything. Just being with her.

When you're down and out
When you're on the street
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you

And I don't have that any more. I haven't since she died nine years ago. That's a long time. I was with my Baby Girl last night. After spending some time with another family last weekend, she said she just needed to spend some time with her own mom. And it made me think of how I just needed to spend time with my mom like that from time to time. Not really doing anything, just being with her. And just that, would help get me back on track.

I don't ever want to be the parent whose life is not complete unless I'm heavily involved with my kids, so I try to tread lightly in how I insert myself in my daughters' lives. But it did me a world of good to spend time with my daughter last night when I've been feeling so burnt out lately. It was the closest thing to the time I used to spend with my mom that I've felt in a long time, and it did me a world of good. I wonder if the time I spent with my mom did the same for her? I just hope I can be there for my girls like my mama was there for me. Just available. To help them recharge when they need to. And if it helps me recharge myself in the process, that's an added bonus. Because I still push myself. Just maybe not quite as much as I used to...

Sail on Silver Girl,
Sail on by
Your time has come to shine
All your dreams are on their way
See how they shine
If you need a friend
I'm sailing right behind

Piano Man

Sing us a song, you're the Piano Man
Sing us a song tonight
Well we're all in the mood for a melody
And you've got us feeling alright
-Billy Joel

I was talking with a friend of mine today who was annoyed at a sarcastic comment someone made while talking to her and her sister. The woman was admiring some sewing handiwork of the sister's and then looked at my friend and commented, "Well, I guess she got all the talent." My friend was really mad and later called out the woman for her unkind comment. The woman's response was, "I was only joking." The problem? These are all people I work with, and the woman who made the unkind comment was a teacher. And if a student had made the comment, and then tried to say she was "only joking" the student would have been taken to task for being mean, or even bullying. And yet adults do it too. And then wonder where the kids get it from.

My friend at work is amazing. She has some unbelievable talents. She's extremely creative. Just not as visibly so as her sister. She's also a lot more introverted and modest than her sister. You have to get to know her to really see what her talents are. So as I was talking to her about what I saw her talents to be, I remembered Nadine. And I hadn't thought of Nadine in years...

One of the things I have always wanted to know how to do is learn to play the piano. I know how to play the guitar and flute and saxophone. I can pick out a tune one key at a time on the piano, but I have never learned to play. Maybe I should have when we had my sister's piano and my girls were taking lessons, but I always felt I had too much on my plate. Instead, I enjoyed listening to my girls practice. Maybe some day I will take lessons. Maybe I never will. But I have always wanted to.

Years ago, before I was married, I worked at a DAC, a Developmental Achievement Center, where we taught job skills to retarded adults. Supposedly. Mostly, I think it was daycare for these folks. And they were divided up by classrooms according to their functioning level. I had one of the lower groups. Nadine was in a different room; higher functioning than the group I had. She was tiny and thin, and had a sort of beehive hairdo, and wore 70s clothing and scarves in her hair. I heard that she had something like 10 or 12 children although by the time I knew her she looked like she was about 55 or 60.

But Nadine could play the piano. She could listen to a tune once and could sit down and play it. So here's me with a college degree and a skill I don't have. And here's Nadine who is mentally retarded and can do something I can't and have always wanted to learn. And a pretty profound realization.

Everyone has their own talent, skill, niche, claim to fame, abilities, etc. There is no purpose served in acting superior, or high and mighty, or smug. It's maybe a dose of humility, or maybe just learning respect for others. But it's stayed with me. A belief that everyone has something to offer. You just have to be willing to see it.