My LIttle Girl

Gotta hold on easy as I let you go
Gonna tell you how much I love you
Though you think you already know
I remember I thought you looked like an angel
Wrapped in pink so soft and warm
You've had me wrapped around your finger
Since the day you were born

You're beautiful baby from the outside in
Chase your dreams but always know
The road that'll lead you home again
Go on, take on this whole world
-Tim McGraw

I was searching for the perfect song for this blog entry and this is it. Today is the day my little girl turns 20. And she celebrated her birthday 4,000 miles from home, from all the people who love her and she loves in return. I have struggled the whole time she's been in Morocco. I worry about her safety in general when she's gone like all mothers do. I worry about her being a female in a Muslim country even though none of her posts seem to convey anything of concern--other than the fact that men propose to her as she's walking down the street and she ignores them. I miss not being with her. Probably because she and I do so much together. We scrapbook, we talk, we get silly together, we cuddle, we finish each others' sentences. Or sometimes we don't talk at all and we can carry on whole conversations just by looking at each other.

Being that she was my youngest, I was a lot more comfortable in my mothering with her. I knew what mattered to me, how I wanted to raise my babies, and didn't really worry too much what other people's opinions were. I carried her in a sling almost non-stop...or carried her. I had come to believe in the importance of human touch--how it could make babies thrive and how healing it could be when people are tired or sick or upset. I nursed her until she was almost 4 years old. Four year olds are eating table food and plenty of it. Nursing at that age isn't for sustenance. It's for drifting off to sleep in your mother's arms, for getting calm when you're crying and upset, or for that extra boost of immunities when you're sick. She slept with us. Adults prefer to have someone to sleep with, so do children. How much more peaceful can it be than to lay down with someone you love, wrapped in their arms, and drift off to sleep? I never believed in letting my babies cry it out.

People expressed opinions and concern. How do you nurse a child who has teeth? You're going to have trouble getting them out of your bed. How will they ever separate from you? It takes a lot of backbone and self-assurance to follow parenting decisions like that. You nurse a child that age just fine because you talk to other people who have done it and you teach your child there is a time and place for it. You don't worry about getting them out of your bed because you believe it's okay for them to be there in the first place and although you offer them their own bed, you don't force it. Eventually they would rather be in their own room with their own toys. Separation is another thing...

We believed in doing things with our kids. All the years they were growing up, we went for a "picnic" lunch or dinner for at least one meal almost every single weekend (nice weather permitting) to a local park or state park. We hiked, we swam, we played with them on the playground equipment, we taught them to climb trees. We took them camping, to museums, to family gatherings. We read to them--a lot. We had them involved in activities like scouts and art lessons and riding lessons and karate lessons. Sometimes we even participated along side them. We gave them a ton of love, tried to instill our values, and joked about activities gone wrong as "adventures". And when life didn't go as planned, it was a "learning experience". Adventures and learning experiences still get a lot of discussion.

And when they were ready to stake off on their own, it wasn't because they were being rebellious, it was because it was the natural order of things and they wanted to. My oldest daughter moved to a college two hours away and after graduating, has made that town her home. My middle daughter moved to the west coast and after two years came back, mostly because the degree program she wanted to pursue was here in the Midwest. My youngest daughter moved to the east coast, came back for a year, and then started making plans to study abroad. I have had to deal with separation from her the most. Partly because she's my youngest and there's something different about your baby being all grown up. Partly because she's pursuing a career that will continue to take her to new places. I am trying to tell myself I need to get used to this. It's only the beginning for her.

There are small little things a mother notices that other people don't. Small shifts that are big things. She's been studying abroad for the last many weeks and will be coming home soon. I cannot wait to see her, and was asking about her return flight. She told me her boyfriend would be picking her up at the airport and then they would come straight here. That set me back. With all the guys she's ever dated, none of them have ever superseded my relationship with her. None of them would have been asked to pick her up at the airport. And so I have to look at this young man differently. If he is the first person she wants to see after being gone so long, that's significant. It's part of the natural order of things, but it's a shift in my relationship with her and I want to take her boyfriend aside and ask him, "Do you understand how important you are to her? Do you understand what you have here?"

She plans her life. Every few weeks she sends me her new "life plan" and I love reading them. They are so full of energy and excitement and life. The world is her opportunity and she's ready for it. I am so proud of her. Happy Birthday, Baby Girl!

Chase your dreams but always know
The road that'll lead you home again
Go on, take on this whole world
-Tim McGraw