Suzanne

Suzanne takes you down to her place by the river
You can hear the boats that go by
You can spend the night forever...

Today was a rare October day for this part of the country. Temps in the 70s when it's more typical to have highs in the 40s or 50s. It was also an emotional day for me and I don't know why. Many, many days in a row of putting out fires and dealing with problems I shouldn't have to deal with because other people are screwing up -- badly -- and I'm the boss so I have to clean up messes. Or at least put pressure on them to clean up their own messes. And meet a whole bunch of deadlines that other people don't get the significance of. And deal with a bunch of parents who email me over every little thing. They want their kids in a rigorous school and they want their kids to have top-notch grades and test scores, but they want this to all somehow happen by osmosis. No homework, no effort, no accountability. And then there are family members and friends who have all sorts of drama. Some of it's real and some of it's self-inflicted. But oh-my-gosh, can I just have a break? For a little bit? I'm putting in 12 hour days at work and trying hard not to stress because I really do love my job, but it's demanding.

I kind of had a bit of a melt-down at work today. No one saw it except my admin assistant. She's been through some pretty serious personal stuff, more so than most people, and I watched her keep going with work despite things. This was unusual for the roles to be reversed today when she tried to give me some comfort. She sent me a long email about doing too much and making sure I was taking care of myself, and made sure to tell me she wasn't lecturing me. I know that. She's an extremely kind person and we are a safety net of sorts for each other. But I realized I've tanked out. And so have a few other people at work. It's too early in the school year for that.

So I decided I needed to do what is core to my being. What nourishes my soul more than time with my Baby Girl, more than a massage, more than being creative, more than writing, more than anything. I needed to spend time by the river. Time watching the water go by. Time drifting with the current and letting it take my spirit to another place. Letting it wash away everything that eats at me. More than anything, it is water that calms me. It is this river that brought me some of the best times of my life. That introduced me to my husband. It is where I want my ashes spread after I am gone so they will travel to the sea. It is the most important place in the world to me. And so after work, I drove there.

And the traffic was so bad I gave up. Par for the course for this week, I guess.

And Jesus was a sailor when he walked upon the water
And he spent a long time watching from a lonely wooden tower
And when he knew for certain only drowning men could see him
He said all men will be sailors then until the sea shall free them

There are days and weeks like this. There will be better ones. And the river will still be there.

And on a more positive note.... Several people have recorded various versions of this Leonard Cohen song. I have always loved it. It was the second song played at my wedding reception and the song I chose to dance with my father with.