Bridge Over Troubled Water

When you're weary
Feeling small
When tears are in your eyes
I will dry them all
I'm on your side
When times get rough
And friends just can't be found
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
- Simon & Garfunkel

I have always been driven. I don't know why. I just have. My husband once said he liked the fact that I was so goal-oriented. I think sometimes he's bothered by the fact that whatever project or cause or activity I'm pursuing has sometimes impacted our family, sometimes in no small way, but he has often expressed how proud he is of the goals I've pursued...me serving on the Board of Directors for La Leche League International, speaking and writing for them at the national level, pursuing my graduate degrees, and my administrative licenses. I've studied things and learned unusual things....like how to fly airplanes, and rock climb, and chemistry just for the heck of it. I've traveled cross country and around the world, saving my money for years to be able to do it, or hitch-hiking to get there, or biking hundreds of miles.

I guess part of it is a hunger. To learn, to see, to do. And that there will never be enough time to do it all. My husband has also commented that I'm happiest when I have a project to do. He's probably right. And so I push, and push, and push. I do these things -- or am able to do these things -- because I have tunnel vision and keep my nose to the grindstone at all costs until I achieve it, even to the exclusion of everything else. Sometimes that serves me well. It's what allows me to get things done.

But sometimes it comes at a cost. I don't have the social friendships that a lot of people do because the time I invest in the things I want to accomplish doesn't leave me much time for the social life other people seem to have. What little down time I have, I need to take for myself, and my family. And I go through periods where I just crash. I simply burn out. I have been so unbelievably burnt out lately. And I've become a lot more aware of the periods when I burn out because I don't have the coping mechanism I used to have. I would go for weeks, sometimes 2-3 months without seeing my family, and then I would feel myself just starting to crash. And I knew I had to take a day off and go spend it with my mom. Not doing anything. Just being with her.

When you're down and out
When you're on the street
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you

And I don't have that any more. I haven't since she died nine years ago. That's a long time. I was with my Baby Girl last night. After spending some time with another family last weekend, she said she just needed to spend some time with her own mom. And it made me think of how I just needed to spend time with my mom like that from time to time. Not really doing anything, just being with her. And just that, would help get me back on track.

I don't ever want to be the parent whose life is not complete unless I'm heavily involved with my kids, so I try to tread lightly in how I insert myself in my daughters' lives. But it did me a world of good to spend time with my daughter last night when I've been feeling so burnt out lately. It was the closest thing to the time I used to spend with my mom that I've felt in a long time, and it did me a world of good. I wonder if the time I spent with my mom did the same for her? I just hope I can be there for my girls like my mama was there for me. Just available. To help them recharge when they need to. And if it helps me recharge myself in the process, that's an added bonus. Because I still push myself. Just maybe not quite as much as I used to...

Sail on Silver Girl,
Sail on by
Your time has come to shine
All your dreams are on their way
See how they shine
If you need a friend
I'm sailing right behind