Bohemian Rhapsody

Mama, life had just begun
But now I've gone and thrown it all away
Mama, didn't mean to make you cry...
--Queen

Years ago I worked with someone who said Americans have never quite figured out if our prison systems were meant to punish or reform, and as a result, they did neither. I realize why we have the death penalty, but I don't support it. I believe that if you feel killing is wrong, you can't say it's wrong except when we want to kill a prisoner...or an unborn baby...or any other intentional killing. But I did think if someone had committed that heinous a crime, we ought to just have some sort of penal system like Devil's Island, a place where prisoners can't escape and they are left to contend with each other. A sort of "throw away the key" approach. But events of the last year have caused me to really examine some of those beliefs.

For the past nine months, I have watched a friend of mine deal with the horrific tragedy of her grown son being arrested for killing his 8 month old infant son, her grandson. You hear about stories like this on the news from time to time and you are horrified and you wonder what kind of person could do such a thing. This is the first time I ever saw what it did to the victim's family. My friend was there when the baby's body was discovered. My friend worked with the police to track down her son. My friend had to grieve the loss of her grandson who died a violent death at the hands of someone she also loved. My friend had to deal with other family members' grief and anger and depression. My friend had to testify at the grand jury hearing that indicted her son with first degree murder charges. My friend worried that the publicity surrounding this would jeopardize her job. My friend worked hard to "live in the day" so she could get through each day. My friend acknowledged to me that her son had to be held accountable for what he had done, but also sat in the courtroom for moral support for her son the day the judge gave him a life sentence--and she struggled with both.

And all this has made me understand that these crimes go far beyond the perpetrator and victim. It made me understand they affect entire families, and their employers, and their friends, and the police officers and court officials involved, and so many others. My friend's son will spend the next 30 days in a state prison, and after that, they will make a decision where he will spend the rest of his life...either there or one of the other prisons in the state. And I cannot imagine what she will do if it is not nearby.

In my genealogy research, I came across an ancestor whose brother was hung for murdering a woman. It sounded like a love triangle, but I'm not sure. Back then, newspapers were somewhat more sensational in some respects, and somewhat more delicate in other respects, but I think that's what they were alluding to. And in light of everything I've watched my friend go through, I can't imagine what it's like for families who have a relative who has been given a death sentence. Am I being sympathetic when there are psychos and serial killers and sadistic rapists and all sorts of really evil people out there who commit heinous crimes against innocent people? No. They deserve to be locked up where they can't hurt anyone else. But do their families deserve to lose a loved one? Their victims (or the victims' families) might argue for "an eye for an eye" justice. I just don't believe in it.

My friend's son's life is essentially forfeit. She may not live long enough to see him out of prison--if he ever gets out. She's lost a grandson and a son. She's working hard to come to terms with both. And along the way, she's taught me some incredible life lessons on priorities, on finding inner strength, on personal integrity, on being a mom, and so many other things. I consider it fortunate that she came into my life. The world needs more people like her.

So...as my Baby Girl pursues her plans to go into law, or criminal justice, or law enforcement, I hope she will find balance. Keep us safe, take care of the bad guys, and always, always, remember the families.