I Loved Her First

But I loved her first and I held her first
And a place in my heart will always be hers
From the first breath she breathed
When she first smiled at me
--Heartland

My CC Baby graduates from college today. A top student in one of the top Chemical Engineering programs in the country.

She knows the story that when she was born, I had 3 days of start and stop labor. That we finally decided to go to the Emmy Lou Harris concert anyway. That we left during intermission because once the show started, my contractions suddenly went to 3 minutes apart. That she had the cord wrapped around her neck, and almost flipped herself off the scale when the nurse tried to weigh her. That she was born early in the morning and her Aunt, who gets up at ungodly hours, would be the first one awake to share the news with. And that she was colicky... She was born at a time when hospitals were just changing from keeping babies in nurseries to letting them stay with mom. If they put me on the floor where babies stayed with mom, I had to understand there were not nurses enough to tend to the baby. But my CC Baby cried every time I tried to put her down. Even when she fell asleep and I laid her down and moved my hands away from her in agonizingly slow increments, the minute I finally stepped back, she'd wake up screaming. At 3am, the nurses came and got her "because other mothers on the floor needed sleep." I did too. Three hours later when I went to go find CC Baby, she was laying on her tummy across the lap of a nurse who was doing paperwork. She informed me I had a baby "that just needs to be held." At the time, I didn't realize the weight of those words. Months later, we finally figured out she was lactose intolerant--to the point that my nursing bothered her if I drank milk. Once we stopped the dairy, she was a happier baby. To this day though, she needs to be held or to touch people. It's just who she is.

I have always thought that my first daughter made me a mom, but my second daughter, my CC Baby, taught me to mother. Her need to be held all the time, and her colicky discomforts, led me to search for different ways to parent. It was because of her that I came to La Leche League. When my first friend told me about LLL, I thought it sounded a little bit weird. A few days later, another friend recommended LLL too. I began to wonder if maybe I should check them out. LLL gave me good, common sense suggestions on how to help my CC Baby, and they supported my instincts as a mother. And, over time, they shaped some of my core beliefs about parenting--some of which are summarized in the side bar of my blog's main page. I came to understand it's okay to nurse your baby whenever she needs to, that it's okay to carry your child, the importance of physical touch, how to guide your child constructively, and so many other things. They even suggested I would get more sleep if I took her to bed with me. I was desperate on that front and so started bringing her into our bed. But heaven forbid I should admit that to anyone! At a family gathering a few months later, when everyone was fussing over the baby and giving me lots of unasked for advice, my grandmother took me aside and quietly suggested I do what mothers did "in her day" and take the baby to bed with me. A huge weight lifted from my shoulders with that.

CC Baby walked early and talked early. She was, and always will be, very intense. She excels at pretty much everything she puts her mind to. She showed significant artistic development at a very young age and we encouraged it. We sought out and found an art program for her. For about six years she took weekly art lessons and eventually went on to win a blue ribbon at the MN State Fair for one of her paintings. She does incredibly intricate drawings with watercolor pencils that I just love. She's got musical abilities, writes, and has always done well at math. She got a scholarship to a college in California and although she really liked the school and living in the Bay Area, she decided to return to MN so she could enter the University's Chem E program. And now she's one of their top students. And today she graduates. I am so proud of her.

I had a friend in LLL who had quite a sense of humor. One year she gave her kids a list called, "Ten Reasons to Honor Your Mother on Mother's Day." The last item on her list was, "Because she's been your friend 9 months longer than anyone else." And I have. I loved her first.